What Have I Learnt? (Part 2)

OK next part in all this...

Right so where I left this was after I had told John that I had kissed his brother, right well now everything has been blown up out of proportion and every time I have spent more than 3seconds with his brother has been interpreted as us having some sort of affair and it's just not true! I can see why they may think it, neither me or his brother have exactly been angels in the past, but it's just causing John more hurt by making him think I've been having an affair with him.

So anyway I have decided to go stay at my dads for a few weeks so sunny Spain here I come! Now I didn't have the holiday time at work to do this is so I have quit my job which is a little scary but I need to do this to get my head straight and sort my life out! I think I may look into college when I get back, I really love learning but don't have many qualifications because I had my liver transplant bang in the middle of my GCSE's so I am going to look into courses at my local college, any way will see what happens, I just need to make some changes. It's all just going quite fast, I'm just hoping my head catches up soon as at the moment I don't know whether I'm coming or going!

John has pissed me off in one sense in that he thought he would ring my mum and tell her the whole story and some other stuff, I can't believe it, I just think it's a little childish, kinda like kids going 'I'm going to tell your mum on you!' And then today he went round there, my parents weren't in but it has annoyed me! Basically I had my step dad's fathers day present on order which was due to come the weekend afterwards (last weekend) and John paid for it at the time but the day before he went to pick it up I gave him the money for it, he had picked it up on the Sunday after the kiss and he decided to take it round today but had to leave it with my brother but seriously why? I know he is pissed off and upset but that was MY present for MY dad! What was wrong with giving it to me with the rest of my stuff? I know compared to the rest of it he has so much more to be pissed off about but I just can't see why he wants my family involved! I'm not the sort of person who goes running to my parents every time I have a problem, I like to deal with things myself, yeah I would have told them about the whole situation when I saw them but not got them involved in anyway! Oh well it's done now but if he goes round or rings them again I will have to say something to him about it!

I'm going to start sorting out some stuff tomorrow and start getting his stuff back to him, and also going to give the teddies he got me with hearts saying 'I Love You' to the charity shop as they just seem to be staring me in the face at the moment (they are on the shelf at the end of my bed). Found the card he got me for our year anniversary and it was a little emotional, I really didn't want things to end like this.

What Have I Learnt? (Part One)

Right you know when you where at school and you sat in the lesson learning and as you learnt things you thought you would never forget them, then fast forward and you need to recall the lessons you have learnt and POOF! it's disappeared!

Right well this is what I'm like with life, I make mistakes think I've learnt from them but then when put in same/similar situation I make the same mistake all over again! Apart from this time I've f**ked it all up for a lot of people!

I am now single once more and it's a very complicated situation which I will go into more later but I have really hurt John, I doubt he will ever talk to me again all because I can't open up so I f**k up! I've caused a load of crap within his family and as a lot of our friends are mutual I feel a bit lost. I kind of want to talk about it but when I went on facebook for about 15mins last night I got wound up with everyone asking me 'are you OK?' 'What happened?' The thing is a lot of the people that kept asking I'm sure they already know stuff but just wanna get the gossip! It's kinda pissing me off, the situation is bad enough without people doing Chinese whispers and blowing it all up to lies!

Basic outline is that me and John had been having arguments and then rather than talking about the underlying stuff we just said sorry and papered over the cracks, this had been going on a few months and each time it was getting worse and worse. I should have just walked away then but no, Kate can't do that! Then at the weekend it all came to a head, we had gone for a few drinks and had an argument and then as I'm drunk as soon as I look at alcohol I stupidly kissed the first person who was nice to me afterwards! Worst thing was is that it was his (step)brother and now it's tore everything apart. John is devastated and has told me he wants all his stuff back but he doesn't want to see me to get it back, he wants the engagement ring back as 'he isn't wasting £370 on someone like you(me.)' His brother has had to leave town as he was living with his dad and step mum (John's mum and step dad) and they have kicked him out and he hadn't long moved here and doesn't really know anyone apart from family here (who would rather hit him than put him up)

Anyway I don't have time to finish all this now so will do part 2 soon.

No, I haven't forgotton about this blog!

Hey, just a very quick update as have come round to my Mum's to use my brothers laptop, there is something wrong with mine. Not sure why but it's so slow and not all things will load up! Grrr!

Anyway whats new with me, well I had a lovely 11days in Spain and was topped off by the fact my baby brother, Marcus Lewis Charles, was born whilst I was out there (7lb5oz), I got to hold him at less than two hours old, it was quite overwhelming. Sofia loves him and loves helping her mummy out with him. Was a completely natural birth (not even gas and air) which I'm pretty proud of Shelly for!

Got back and a quick trip to Heartlands showed a bit of a drop in lung function (66% to 59%) so I'm back on Cipro and Trimepromin (sp?) and now finally 2days before finish I am starting to feel loads better. The cough swab I gave them in May came back clear somehow... gave 5mls sample this time so if don't grow anything in that then I will be very happy! Can't wait to finish the Cipro because the weather is lovely and shock, shock I have started to burn on it... this is not something I am happy about, I'm having to wear long sleeves and boil to death, by the time it's out my system will prob be raining again, it's Sod's law.

Not much else is happening in my life at the moment! Oh actually John's brother is now a daddy to Jamie Dominic, also very cute (and big! 9lb7oz!) thankfully for her she had a c section!

Well that's all for now... my brother is probably going to start moaning at me in a minute for being on here!

All Jumbled Up!

Right I'm going to start this post by saying it is going to be very random and (as the title says) very jumbled! I'm kinda using this post like the pensive in 'Harry Potter', somewhere to put my thoughts, look back over and try to make sense of them!

I've been thinking about my transplant a lot lately, and that so many people don't get their transplant and after seeing that little Ethan Collins passed away so soon after his transplant (RIP), it's just made me feel so lucky about mine, I obviously knew I was so lucky to have mine so soon but it's just really seems to have hit me just how lucky I was. I was on the list just 4weeks!! Home with in 14days and apart from a problem 2months later (a reaction between my anti rejection and antibiotic) I haven't had major problems and not even a hint of rejection in over 9years! I just wish everyone would sign the donor list... in an ideal world hey!

Now a few weeks ago when I was on IV's the euro millions jackpot was really high John made a comment that if we won he would buy me some new lungs. The weirdest thing is without even thinking I said 'I wouldn't want them, I'm happy with these for now!' and it's really got me thinking, I never thought I would defend my little lungs but even though they offer a home to undesirables they do still push through and keep me going. They aren't the best but for CF lungs they definitely aren't the worst! I just felt like I had to defend them even though normal I slate them myself! I think I may post about this on the CF forum, see if others have stood up for their lungs no matter how crappy they are!


Really not happy about this chest infection, and there is no denying I have one now. It's kinda given me a love/hate relationship with my port, before I went in for it I felt pretty fab and was feeling loads better after just a few days of orals and didn't really need IV's other than for the fact of it been inserted! Even though it's probably not really to do with the port I just haven't felt as good since, I've been on orals for a week tomorrow and I feel no better and I'm finding work more tiring than when I started back last week. I'm so used to bouncing back from everything, hmmm... I really can't add up my feelings about this, what I should be feeling and what I am feeling. I don't know!


I looked after my 8 month old goddaughter today and picked up her older brother from school (at the end of the road) she was so good and sleep most of the time but it was still so exhausting and then having to go to work after was awful. I felt really shattered and made mistakes. It has (this might not make sense because I really can't think how to word it) put things into a kinda head over heart situation for me. Just lately we have been thinking, with my LF going up and stuff, maybe children in the future where a possibility and now today has made me realise that I wouldn't be able to cope. It just hurts, I know girls who just get pregnant for more benefits and I'm not saying they don't love their kids but they just seem to take having kids so much for granted and... I really can't find the words to finish this, my head won't match words to what I feel and what I'm trying to say :-(

Urgh!

Went to clinic today, lung function was down by 0.01Litre but (and I don't quite understand it) something to do with my weight going down by 0.5kg (think I've lost fluid weight not proper weight) means that the FEV1 has gone up by 1%. All these figures confuse me! So some of the signs (increases in sputum which is lots stickier and greener, bit more rattlely in chest, general crappy and tired shitty feeling!) are pointing towards another chest infection but 0.01 down isn't much to cough at. Was really really productive this morning and cleared loads of crap of my chest, gets to hospital and... NOTHING!! Ended up doing a cough swab, walked out the hospital not even half way across carpark I coughed and up came huge lump of sputum, how typical? Have brought home a sample pot for next time to do in the morning! My last sample was apparently clear though but both me and my doc think there wasn't enough in the sample, mainly just spit rather than actually having bug free sputum! Anyway I have some Cipro and if i still feel like this in a few days to start taking it, think I prob will, wanna be as close to 100% as poss for my holiday and really don't want IV's when I get back! Not very happy about it though, only finished IV's on the 1st, normally manage 4-6weeks after IV's before I need orals so 2 is pretty pants.

Went to primark and got some really funky neon stuff for Sat night, it's a mates 21st and we are going out in compete neon overload, it should be pretty cool apart from a few people are planning on going out with water guns, now we did this a while ago, I got soaked, got an infection and needed IV's so if people do bring them out and they so much as point them at me I will stick the guns where the sun don't shine! I have been looking forward to this holiday since I found out Shelly was pregnant and nothing is going to ruin it! (God that makes me sound a bit spoilt and 'I want everything my way!' I'm not, Honestly!) Anyway as I was paying for my stuff I had a ickle coughing fit in the queue and the girls behind me stepped back and started talking about swine flu! Even said about me touching the rail after I'd covered my mouth with my hand! I nearly told them it was OK I didn't have swine flu so they where 'safe' but then one of them gave me a dirty look so I didn't, let them get all paranoid! I think people are really going stupid over the whole swine flu thing but on the plus side I have noticed people are thinking more, at work not one person coughed without at least covering their mouth (normally it's straight in my face!)

Work... now there is a subject, 26days off and 2days back and it's been a struggle so far, even though it's only 3hours per shift they have been really exhasting me! Now one of my problems is that when I'm on IV's I nap, normally one late-morning/noon and one about 7pm and I work 5-8pm so 2hours in and my body is wanting it's nap. I always have this when I go back to work and it sorts itself out after a week or so! But I have also been having a general tiredness and major probs concentrating, have made quite a few mistakes, prob more in 2days than I normally make in a few months. I'm really hoping it doesn't last long and I start feeling more normal soon!

Anyway talking of tiredness, I've had a long day and need my bed so goodnight!

xx mwah xx

Port pics

Port a few hours after been put in...



Port now (3weeks later)...

I think it's healed really well and from a distance can't even see it!

And waiting! Lol!

Well still no Marcus... she has had a show (I only found out what that meant the other day!) and head is engaged but still not come out!

Went to the gym today to see the trainer, was meant to go last week but I was naughty and cancelled! Anyway it was to sort out a new routine because for a bit while port settles, I'm not allowed to do cross trainer, bike crunches, the plank, power plates or any cable weights which left me with bike and treadmill totalling 25mins! I do like my new routine although it is possible I will die of exhaustion half way through! Even my strengthening and toning floor exercises have an element of cardio-vascular!

Go back to work tomorrow, which lazy Kate doesn't want to do but bored Kate can't wait for... plus I miss the girls, anyway as of tomorrow I am Princess Dolly again! (although technically it's later today! I must go to bed soon.)

Saw a lovely doctor at my GP's today, can't really say what made her so lovely, she just was. Forgot to take my sharps bin with me though... again! It has been full for about a month now, will try and remember to take it with me to hosp on Thursday although I might get a few looks on the train, oh well if I add in a few sneezes and oinks I might get a carriage to myself! Lol!

Very close to holiday now, really can't wait now, so much crap has been going on which I won't bore you with on here but 10days away will really help me relax and sort my head out while away from all the shit. Still gotta come back to it though :-(