I got lonely and things got MESSY!

This might turn into a two part blog, lately when I'm on the laptop for more than an hour or so my fingers get a bit swollen and sore and as I have been on for more than an hour already it's almost switch off time!

Anyhoo... I can't quite pin point when it began but I've started to feel a bit lonely and not liking singleness, I really don't think singleness is a word, oh well, you get what I mean! It's going to be hard to explain this properly as some of it goes a bit deeper than I'm willing to put in a public blog but lets just say I have a low self esteem when it comes to men due to a past relationship, well two past relationships really, the first one fucked things up and just as I was picking things up the 2nd wrecked me up again.

After me and my ex John split I started hanging round with some old mates from the area I used to live in and bumped into an old CF mate from before the cross infection days! After a good old catch up the whole cross infection thing went totally out the window and we kind of had a fling which got complicated, I started to get the sense he was holding me at arms length so I did so back and then we both did things to justify why we was doing that and started arguing over fuck all. Went back to been mates and from the beginning of Dec we didn't see each other and only talked through texts and facebook, although things were flirty at times.

Also some point in Dec I bumped into a guy I knew by sight (Smithy, and not because he looks like James Corden!) and we swapped numbers but only texted a few times but nothing more, then few months ago he added me on facebook (god I think I hate that site sometimes, LOL) then I went out for first time in ages about 2weeks ago now and bumped into him and we got chatting, kissed, and started texting again. We was planning to meet up and go cinema but then I remembered my Dad was over so we said would leave it for a bit. Then I went out again on Bank Holiday Sunday (I'm being too sociable for me!) and walking through town I saw CF guy, looking pretty good now he put on some weight and got to 23 BMI, at the cashpoint with a friend of this Smithy (can you see where all this is heading?) then I got into the pub and the first person I see is Smithy! Anyway after a shit night (I really wish some of the pubs round here would invest in air conditioning, even healthy people struggle to breathe in the heat at times, or that my mates would realise Walkabout downstairs with air con is better than upstairs without air con!) both blokes had pissed me off over different things, not really over much but I was just really pissed off in general. Got home and wanted to get to sleep but as I had been drinking Red Bull that wasn't happening! Then just before 4am I get a random text from CF guy (he does have a name, honest, I'm just not writing it here) asking where his invite to mine was, I replied 'what invite?'... can't remember the whole convo (and my phone has deleted it, yeah it's still doing that!) but it went along the lines of he nearly got into a fight and some copper he knew decided to take him home to avoid shit kicking off but he would have rather came to mine. I'm shy, he's shy, I think I'm getting fat, he thinks he is getting fat, he thinks I looked good, I think he looked good... *both falls asleep* next morning he sends me something that requires a parental guidance sticker! We exchange a few texts in the day and then Smithy was texting me too.

This isn't really a new paragraph but I kind of thought it needed a new one to make it a bit easier to read! Smithy wanted to see me and invited me round his house on the Tuesday morn but I spend a lot of my morning doing my treatment, plus I also thought from the way he worded it he was only after one thing so I told him I was busy, then went out for a meal with my Dad and his mate, after we go to a local hotel for a chill out drink and whilst there CF guy texted me asking if I was OK, I replied yes, just with my Dad. he asked Where? I told he where and he said he was round the corner having a drink with his mate (who is also Smithy's mate) and did I wanna meet him so we went round and met him and we was flirting a bit then my Dad and his mate went home and me CF guy and his mate came back to mine and they was talking about this Smithy on the way back, turns out CF guy is mates with him as well! Gets back to mine and the mate slept on my sofa and so we shared a bed and I'm not going to spell it out what happened!

After they left in the morning, I texted CF guy and that was yesterday morning and he hasn't replied but Smithy had said he would text me and he hasn't... don't really know what's going on, don't know if he thinks because he isn't getting what he wants he doesn't want to know or whether CF guy or his mate has told him whats happened!

I know your prob thinking what a silly girl for been greedy but I do really like CF guy but I know deep down it would never work but I just can't seem to resist, Smithy is nice and on paper much better and I do like him but I'm just not quite sure. Anyway I feel a bit used by CF guy and it's not the first time but then when I look at it he has never promised me anything and not given it.



Hmm, anyway I'm confused.com and it seems I'm back to been completely on my own.



(I'm not sure all this makes sense but like I said I'm not putting some stuff on here, still I have tried to be as honest as I can and I realise I might not have come across in the best light but I am a nice person really! Also I have been typing for way too long and my fingers look like sausages and they really hurt!)